17 weeks! YIKES!!

So it has been a little while since I have updated my blog. The truth is right now I am freakin out! Maybe not really but kindof. This is around the time that we have miscarried both times. First time was around 16 weeks and second time was 17 weeks. So far I am still pregnant. My doctor has taken me off work but I might be able to go back after my next appointment. So far everything looks really good. The baby is growing like he is suppose to and moving around like crazy! I haven't felt him yet but when we watch him on the ultrasounds he is doing flips and kicking and waving his little hands everywhere:) It is fun to watch. I kindof wish I had an ultrasound machine at home so I could just watch him! My cervix has gotten a little bit shorter but they said it isn't at a dangerous length yet. We sort of expected my cervix to get shorter just because that is what has happened in the past but this time we were prepared with a cerclage. As long as we don't shrink so much that it gets to that stitch we should be ok. My doctor is awesome and is keeping a great eye on me. I have everyone at the doctors office rooting for us it is kindof fun:)  I have battled some serious colds this year which hasn't made being pregnant any easier. I didn't know that one person could produce so much snot!
Something that I have been thinkin about lately is the fact that I don't really know how to be pregnant after 17 weeks. I feel like these first 17 weeks I am a pro at it. Ok so not really a pro but I at least know what to expect. All the symptoms that I have experienced I was expecting to happen. Like any new mother to be, every time I get pregnant I pull out the baby books. I have read the first few chapters of each of them like a million times but I don't really know what happens next. So obviously I am going to get bigger but that is about all I know. I am a little nervous about this but at the same time really excited to move on to something new! It will be nice to move on to the next chapter of my baby books! Thanks for reading! See you all next time!

Try not to Stress

It is always interesting how life throws these weird curve balls at you at the most inconvenient times. When I went to my follow up appointment after the surgery there were a couple of problems. The surgery itself was fine but I had lost more weight. I really don't know how this is even possible. I feel like I am always eating. She is concerned though. She started to ask me questions about work and is now wanting me to either move to day shift or stop working. She thinks, and I agree with her, that working graveyard is starting to take too much of a toll on me. I have been doing it for several years now and so it seems like I should be use to it and it should be more natural. Unfortunately, since I became pregnant it gets harder and harder. No matter how much sleep I get during the day I am dozing off at night. Forcing myself to stay awake when my body is saying its tired is too much stress. So now we are faced with an interesting problem. I can go to my bosses, which I plan to do, and ask to be moved to day shift. I know this isn't possible. I know this because of 2 things. 1. Everyone at this point is fighting for hours because we are in our slow season. and 2. I am the newest hire so I don't stand any ground taking someone elses hours. Not to mention that I was hired for graveyard specifically. So that leaves me with not working. I am scared not to work. That is the easiest way to explain it. I don't like not being able to pay my bills or put gas in my car or buy groceries. That stresses me out. I know we will be fine. Willy and I have survived some pretty crappy situations together so I know we can make it but it is still scary. What happens when he gets sick and neither one of us can work? Then how do we pay the bills? I took this week off to try and decide what I was going to do. I still haven't come to a complete decision but here is part of my thought process. Every parent struggles for their kids. I know my parents did. I know they worked harder for us than anything else. They did everything in their power to make sure we were healthy and fed and taken care of. I know I am not holding a baby in my arms yet but I still believe this baby deserves that from us. If I have to stop working and we have to struggle for a little while to make sure that this baby is healthy and taken care of then that is probably what I should do. I mean when this happens for us we have years of struggle ahead right? Isn't that how most parents feel? Not matter how much money they have? But I don't know many parents who would say it wasn't worth it. So my other argument to that is, they say pregnant women lack rational thought. Is this really a valid thought or am I just sounding crazy. I am sure there are a lot of people who would think because of where Willy and I are in our lives we should not even be considering having kids. We are no where near being financially stable. We don't own a house. Our truck is great but not exactly in the best shape. Not reliable enough to leave town, not to mention not really a family vehicle. Some people might even call us irresponsible for trying to have kids. So that is how I convince myself that I should just buck it up and continue working and just get over myself. What really sucks about all of this is that my doctor left it up to me. What she said was "I would love to take you off work for the rest of your pregnancy, but I am going to leave it up to you."  So I am open to any advise or suggestions anyone may have about this. I want honesty even if it may be harsh. Thanks for reading my rambling:) Love to all!

I wanna know..........

Well this has definately been a crazy week. I had to have surgery on Monday. I had a cerclage done. That is where they stitch your cervix to try and prevent early pregnancy. It is/was weird. I was awake through the entire procedure, which is an experience in and of itself. They gave me what they call a spinal. It is done the same way as an epidural. They inject medicine into your back to numb you from the waist down. This is apparently a common way for women to tolerate the pain of labor. It is horrible! I didn't like it when I had an epidural during the first miscarriage and I definately didn't like it this time. I don't like not being able to feel my legs. I guess it was better than being able to feel them stitch.  The doctor that performed the surgery told us before it started that about 1 in 100 women will suffer from so much pain that they have to stay in the hospital. My surgery started at 12:30 pm. We didn't go home until almost 8:30 pm and they had set up a room for me to stay. I always have to be that 1 in 100. When the medicine wore off it was seriously the worst, most uncomfortable pain. It hurt so bad it made me sick. So they wouldn't let me leave until 1, I could walk again, and 2, that I could go to the bathroom and 3, I stopped throwing up. All of those tasks were hard enough as it was not to mention the horrible pain. I did finally get it together enough to go home. Once I was home the recovery time was quick. By the next morning I was at least up and moving around like normal. It was still a little painful, and believe me, hard to get use to. Now everything is going well. The only time I can feel it or can tell that its even there is if I wait too long to pee and then the pressure causes a little bit of pain. (I try not to do that) The biggest downfall so far is....NO SEX!!! Probably something you all didn't need to know but its my blog:) That is 6 months people!!!! I keep telling myself that it will be worth it when we have the little baby! I have a follow up on Monday to make sure everything is still ok and that we have not developed any infections or anything like that. I am hoping (again) that we will find out if its a boy or girl. We are both pretty anxious to know. I don't have much more to report now. I am still excited and still really nervous. We are coming up on the witching hour, and I am trying to stay as positive as possible. Sometimes it is hard to be positive and realistic at the same time. During our second pregnancy, I kept telling myself that that won't happen again and put it out of my mind. This time I have to remind myself that it is a possibility without making it seem like I am being negative. It is harder to deal with the heartache if you are not prepared for it. I hope my babling isn't too confusing. Anyways, I hope you all have a great week and I will shoot out an update on Monday after my appointment. Thanks for reading:)

Happy Thanksgiving!

It is the best time of the year! I love the holidays! Today (technically tomorrow still for me) is Thanksgiving and believe me I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Just to name a few: I am thankful for my family, my friends, my job, and my home. I am thankful for my awesome husband who is there with me through everything, good and bad. I am thankful for the oppertunity to try and have another baby as well. There is a lot more but that covers most of it. I am glad that we have a holiday to sort of reflect on those things that we are truley thankful for.
We had a doctors appointment today. She called me a few days ago and bumped my appointment up a few days because they found another infection:( bummer! At least I got started on the antibiotic and hopefully that will clear it up. I also have to start back on my antiviral medication for my hand. My arm has been giving me trouble for a couple of days and because that is usually how it starts she said we should get rid of it before it gets worse. Luckily the medication is safe to take while you are pregnant so I already have a prescription ready to go. On the up side, the baby is so healthy and growing and moving! It is so amazing to watch:) When we had the ultrasound (yea the one that was suppose to tell us boy or girl) the little one was moving soooo much! I have never seen that before in an ultrasound which I thought was weird because I have had so many. Most of the time the baby was sleeping so not a lot of movement. Not this time he/she couldn't hold still:) It is weird how, when they are still this small you can't feel it but when you see how much they are moving its hard to believe that you wouldn't be able to feel it. Another amazing thing is how much bigger the baby is than the last ultrasound. It has only been a week or two and the baby looks double its size! You can see facial features and make out the arms and legs!
I did get to tell my doctor today about my progress on smoking which made me feel good:) She was very happy to hear that I have done so well. So to fill all of you in, I started REALLY trying to quit on the 8th of this month. Since then I have smoked a couple of times. They were just a couple of drags and it was probably every 3 to 4 days that I would break down. Right now I have been 100% smoke free since the 17th of November! That is an entire 7 days people! For me this is amazing. I really didn't think I could do it. I plan to stick with it. My doctor said something funny to me, she said that she quit smoking by promising herself that she would smoke again when she was 80 years old:) She said at that point if you don't die of smoking it will be of old age or something else anyways. I guess whatever works for people. Another friend of mine always use to say "don't say you are quitting, just say that you are stopping for a couple of years" It is kindof soothing to think that I could smoke again someday. I know for some of you that may sound silly but it works! That doesn't mean that I will pick it back up but if it can help me through this moment in time I will use it.
Another positive note from my appointment is I gained a pound. YAY! hehe its nice to be able to say that and not feel bad that I am gaining weight. This just means that my tummy is finally starting to function normally again. Now I just have to be careful to not gain too much weight. I really want to do some water aerobics but I don't want to do it by myself. I don't know anyone else who is prego that could go with me. I do, however have a class through WIC next month where I might just meet someone who is prego and maybe someone who would want to do that as well. My dad always told me that swimming was one of the best excercises:) I always believed him just never really acted on it. Now because of being high risk and not really being able to workout, swimming is my best option. It would help me stay active without putting too much strain on me or the baby. If anyone knows anyone that wants to do this with me, let me know. There are a couple places in town that offer prenatal water aerobics. The last time I was pregnant in the middle of the summer I bought a maternity swim suit too. I got it at a great price from ebay. It actually came with 2 swimsuites so I have an extra if someone needs one.
I went into the maternity store the other day to try and find one of those belly belts. You know the band that you use to hold your pants up without buttoning them? Yea so I bought one because I can't button up my work pants anymore. The problem is that it doesn't really hold my pants up. I guess it does better than without anything but I am still constantly pulling up my pants and readjusting the band. Maybe its because my belly is not really that big. It might work better once I am a little farther along I guess. We will see. I hope so considering I spent almost $20 on it. I did see a lot of cute clothes in there. It could be really dangerous for me to spend too much time in there. It would be silly to have cuter maternity clothes than regular clothes but even more silly to buy regular clothes at this point. I believe I have enough sweatshirts and T-shirts to get through but I really think I am going to have to break down and buy maternity pants. Although those sweaters they had were SOOOOO cute!
Ok I think I have blabbed quite enough for today:) I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! In the words of Adam Sandler: "Turkey lurky doo and turkey lurky dot, I eat that turkey and I take a nap!" Love you all!

Excited and Nervous

Well I am starting to feel a little better. (from the cold not the morning sickness) It is the worst to be sick and pregnant at the same time. Its like double time sick. blah! I spent most of my weekend in bed resting. I was really feeling better until I got to work tonight. Then I spent the first 3 hours throwing up:( I haven't thrown up for days and it just came out of nowhere. I am over it! I am afraid that it has to do with the shift that I work. I have been working graveyard for several years now, you would think that my body would get use to it. I think it would be if I wasn't trying to grow a baby! I don't know how to get around this obsticle. I think for me and the baby it would be best to try for a different shift but I don't know that that is even possible here and Willy and I cannot afford for me not to work right now. The ultimate question is, If we do nothing and something goes wrong, will it be worth it? Probably not, but if I stop working and we struggle through the next few months and nothing goes wrong, will it be worth the stress and struggle? I guess if a baby is a result it would be worth it. I don't know. I don't like stressing about bills and money. We have done it and survived before but it doesn't make it any fun. Now would be the ideal time to win the lottery:) We will see what happens. For now I will just keep working.....throwing up...........and working.
I have been doing really well with the not smoking thing. I made it my 24 + hours from the last blog entry. I have had 2 slip ups since the 8th when I started. Both were just a couple drags of a cigarette, not even a whole cigarette! It has been a challenge for sure but I think I may have it locked down! Now I just gotta get Willy to quit too and we will be a smoke free household:)
My surgery is coming up on the 28th. I am a little nervous. It doesn't help that I keep having these horrible dreams about the outcome. You know when they put you under and then you are recovering? There is a few minutes where you can talk but you don't realize you are. For example, the last surgery I had, when I finally came to, the nurse was in the process of explaining to me that I had already told that story 20 times. lol, (it was obviously a good story) So in my dreams, I attack the nurse while I am in that state because she killed my baby! Horrible right! Not only the thought of attacking someone but the possibility that it could kill the baby. Not likely but you never know. The other dream that I keep having about it is, them not being able to finish because I was stubborn and decided to eat something before the surgery and then while I am under I start throwing up violently, so they have to stop. Ok I might be stubborn but ladies and gentleman I vow that I will definately NOT eat anything before the surgery. After a dream like that I wouldnt even think about food! I trust my doctor and I think that this is the best route for us but dreams like that definately make it hard to stay positive.
So my sister Christine is pregnant too:) She is due around the same time as me! I am excited that my baby will have a cousin close in age. I remember when I was younger and we had family get togethers, all of us kids always had such a good time with our cousins! Now we can do the same for our kids:)
I recently started a new job at the Oxford Hotel Bend. I was really excited to get this job. I wanted to use it as a stepping stone in a career move. This pregnancy has taken away from that a little bit. First of all, I don't think about much else. I am constantly thinking about babies and what life will be like with one. It is hard to come to work and focus on just work. I am trying. The second issue is of course the being sick. When you are sick at work you really don't do work. You manage to get done the bare minimum to get through the day. I don't think this reflects my work ethic very well. It honestly bothers me that I am not "excelling". When I work I want to be the best at what I do and I work really hard to do that. I can't seem to pull it together enough right now to make that happen. The last thing that I have come across is this, my boss (the general manager) works ALL the time! That was my ultimate goal, was to become a gm somewhere and sort of have my own hotel. In this business the GM gets stuck doing a lot of extra's. I don't want work to be my life. I want my family to be my life. I don't want to be in a position where I am obligated to leave my family at the drop of a dime to go to work. I know this works for some but I just don't think I am one of them. I don't want to not work at all but I don't want that kind of pressure while we are raising kids. Anyways, I love this job and the people I work for and with but I don't think this is my calling. hmm, I guess we will see.
There are a lot of things coming up that we just have to "wait and see" If you know me, you know this is a hard one for me to be ok with. I want answers and I want them now not later. I want to see the future:) Not exactly the whole future just the specific things I have questions about. Like is the third time really the charm?

Feeling Pregnant

I went to the doctor today. Everything is looking pretty good. My doctor is still waiting on results from one of the cultures they took but other than that, lookin good. We got to see the baby in an ultrasound. He/she was upsidedown:) The doctor said it is like the baby is in its own little kiddy pool swimmin the day away! Baby's little heart was beating and he/she is growing as expected. It's kindof a tear jerker to see that. I love it! I could seriously sit there for hours just watching. It is fun to see them move inside even if you can't feel it. We couldn't see if it was a boy or girl yet. Still too small BUT, we go in on the 21st and (assuming baby cooperates) she said there is a really good chance we would be able to tell. I am getting a lot of girl feedback this time around. Almost everyone I talk to is convinced it is a girl. I can't stop calling it a boy, so who really knows. I am anxious and excited to know!
My doctor was a little disappointed in me today, which made me feel bad. First, she was concerned because I have lost 4 pounds. She said that in the first trimester, losing weight is sometimes normal but, because I haven't been throwing up she is concerned that I am not eating enough. I don't understand how I have lost weight honestly. I guess maybe I don't eat enough but I sure feel like I do. Not to mention, I don't know how much ice cream I have eaten lately. No non-fat or anything either. Just plain old super yummy ice cream. I thought for sure I was going to be in trouble for gaining weight not losing it. I hope that we can get on the right track though. When I went to sign up for WIC, the nurse told me that based on my weight and height I should gain between 11 and 21 pounds during my pregnancy. I imagine that won't be hard once we get past this morning sickness (no its not gone yet). Although last time around I ended up losing over 20 pounds in the 17 weeks I was pregnant. I was sick the whole time though. I never got a break from being sick that time. It was literally every day all day. To eat something and keep it down was a huge task at that point. I haven't had as much of an issue this time around. Thank goodness! I suppose that is why I keep hoping that the morning sickness will pass. I hope I am not pulling the wool over my own eyes. She was also disappointed in the fact that I have not completely quit smoking. I know, I know I just need to quit. I can't figure out why this is so hard for me. I try, and try to find different ways to make it work but I always end up smoking again. I really wish I wouldn't have been so damn stubborn when I was younger (I blame you mom, and you can hold the "I told you so's") I should have never started smoking in the first place. It was the dumbest thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I have made some big mistakes. For those of you who have never smoked, don't, and those of you who use to smoke and quit, you amaze me, and for those still smoking.....good luck quitting, your gonna need it! I have made it a personal goal to not smoke a single cigarette for 24 hours straight starting right...............now 4:30am on 11/8/11. I will update tonight when I get to work and let you all know how I did:)
The other thing that I have been dealing with, which is more interesting than anything, is the dreams that I have. They are pretty intense, and by intense I mean very real like. A lot of them have people from my past in them, which is kindof interesting. The last week or so has been X-boyfriends....I know weird right. I guess maybe as a reminder of why I am not with them anymore? I don't know. It has been several different ones and all of them seem to be about breaking up with them. So in the beginning I am with this person again, and by the end we have broken up. Very strange but definately a good reminder that what I have in Willy is what I need. I am a lucky lady to have found the right one. And I suppose I owe all those x-boyfriends a thank you for showing me what I did NOT want in a guy:) Now when I get upset with Willy, I just have to say it could have been worse;) haha! Other dreams have consisted of babies of course and my dad. I am sad that my dad isn't here for this. And that is all I can say right now because I am at work and I can't start crying right now.
Well I better start rapping it up. I honestly could talk about it for days, but I will save some of it for another time! I am excited about what is to come! Oh I wanted to share a quote that I saw on facebook this morning.
"STOP being afraid of what could go wrong, and think of what could go right." Author unkown~
Such a simple phrase that means so much to me right now. It puts a smile on my face to think about all the things that could go right. I am looking forward to it! Love you all!

1st Trimester....Take a Hike!

Well we are about at the end of the first trimester. I keep waiting for the magical day when I really start to feel better. I guess part of me is just expecting it to happen over night. Although that doesn't seem likely, it would be incredibly nice. I am getting tired of being tired and sick every single day of my life! uggg! I also miss my friends and family! I keep trying to make plans and end up having to cancel because I don't feel up to it. That is frusterating for me and I know you all miss me too;) It will get better.....right?...
We are coming up on the holiday season! I am excited for it all! Especially the super yummy food for Thanksgiving and then the decorating for Christmas! YAY for that! All I can say is that it would be a very sad day if I was sick on Thanksgiving. I am kindof excited to have an excuse to eat for 2;) Normally I would just do it anyways but now I can tell everyone I have to! I know what you're all thinking but please don't burst my bubble:) I can eat as much as I want on Thanksgiving. I have lost 4 pounds in the last couple of weeks anyways so I need to eat a lot!
Moving on. Does anyone want to bet on if its a boy or girl? Willy really wants a little boy (most guys do). I would really be happy either way. If you just give me a damn baby when this is all said and done I will be happy. Hell I would be happy with a baby with six toes if that means I get this baby. Anyways, my next ultrasound will be on the 7th and we just might be able to see if its a boy or girl. It is still a little early but we got lucky last time since little man was spread eagle just chillin:) So maybe this time we will get lucky too!
I haven't had any random phone calls from the doctor lately, which is a huge relief. After they ran all those tests I was just waiting for it. I am guessing that no news is good news? Hopefully anyways. I feel good, other than the normal yucky that goes along with pregnancy. I mean I feel like everything is going well. And even though I have moments of being extremely negative I am truely grateful for another oppertunity to try and have a baby. I know Willy is too. Just keep those fingers crossed for us:) You know what they say....Third times a charm!

Odd.....

I figured I would take advantage of having a computer to use. I went to the doctor yesterday and had my "official" first appointment of the pregnancy. So basically they did a pap and drew blood and checked the heart beat. While I was sitting and talking with my doctor about everything she told me that there were a lot of things we were just going to have to wait and see what happens. She told me that my history is EXTREMELY ODD. Nice right? It is a little frusterating to hear from a doctor that you are odd. Not onlyu because, who wants to be odd, and second that just means that all of this is trial and error.  For me this is not the first time. When I was dealing with the infection on my hand I was told by several health care professionals that I was "odd", "different", "weird". She explained that because of how both of my previous pregnancies turned out she was really not sure how this one will turn out. She thinks that the circlage would be a really good place to start but for the most part we are playing everything by ear. Although this is frusterating, I am still excited! My husband is really starting to rub off on me:) I don't know what happened but he seems way more into this one than the others. (other than his silly moment I mentioned in a previous post).
So I looked down today and could barely see my toes! I am still in the first trimester so you might ask how my belly got so big so fast. Answer is its not my belly its my boobs! They are HUGE! I am not even joking. I am sure I will develop back problems before this baby gets here especially at the rate they are growing. I have always been "blessed" with a big chest but holy wow this is too much!!! Not to mention they hurt all the time. Does this continue through the entire pregnancy? I don't remember this from the last two times. I remember them being sore but not so big. Anyways, I will stop ranting about my HUGE rack.......lol:)
I had a meeting with my boss today about all my scheduling. I feel it went really well. Because of my type A personality, its a huge relief to have an organized plan all the way around. Between my doctor, my work, and my home we are ready with a plan! As long as we (including the baby) can stick to that everything is all good! Even if I am odd:)

So Much To Do, So Little Time

Well it has been a few days since I was last here. I ended up with almost an entire week off (go me!) and unfortunately my computer at home is not working so yea. I had to wait until I came back to work to write. I only have a couple of updates. First is, I reapplied for OHP and I believe we qualify this time! YAY for that! Its funny to me how they can deny me for being $100 over on income one month and then approve me the next for barely being under. Oh well as long as I have some insurance! The second is, I went and saw a specialist on Monday. He is going to perform what they call a circlage. This is where they stitch your cervix to try and prevent it from dialating. Or at least too much. They are going to do the procedure the Monday after Thanksgiving. I will be out of work for just a few days and then should be able to return to normal schedule. The specialist said there is a 95% success rate with this procedure, which I think are pretty good odds considering what it would be without it. It is also something that can be left in if we are planning on having more kids.......after this round of morning sickness its really hard for me to commit to more than one. Not that its completely out of the question but seriously! I am convinced that they have one of those zappers (like on men in black) that makes women forget everything after they have the baby. After all the uncomfortable, sick, emotional days I truely don't know why we get pregnant again. Its like causing a kidney stone on purpose. Not really smart if you ask me;) My husband is really starting to get excited about the baby, which makes me smile! He talks about it every day. He has been a lot more patience with the morning sickness too. I have managed to make it out of the house a few times. I was completely exausted by the time I got home but I had a good time. Well, there is not much left to report for now. We are praying that we only have one more month of sickness and fatigue and then we can get back to (somewhat) normal. All I know is that I am eating Thanksgiving dinner no matter what this silly baby says! Love you all! Have a great week!

We Have a Heartbeat!

Today I went in for my second ultrasound. The baby has grown into a little peanut with a heartbeat instead of just a yolk! Kindof exciting! The peanut is about 12cm long but has a heartbeat like no other! So far everything looks good, and we should be welcoming a little baby by June 4, 2012.
I am still battling the morning sickness. What really sucks is that I can find something that settles my stomach and it will work for a few days and then all the sudden it doesnt anymore. I am able to keep things down with the medication the doctor put me on but I still don't feel very good. My husband the other day, bless his little heart, says to me "You can't be sick all the time babe!" I don't think I have ever wanted to punch someone in the face as bad as I wanted to at that point! I don't know how to explain to him that this is for real. I am really truely sick and don't feel like doing anything. That includes the dishes, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, etc. It takes enough for me to motivate to go to work the 3 days a week that I am. I wish he could be pregnant instead so he might understand. Or even better if I could just not work while I was pregnant, I would imagine more would get done around our house, but reality is we can't afford for me not to work so take it or leave it!
I guess the one up side to being so sick is that it is really helping me not to smoke. I can't say that I have gone a full 24 hours without a cigarette YET, but I have probably cut down to less than 1 cigarette a day. I feel like I am doing better than the last two times. It is funny to realize all the funny things that make you want to smoke (as a smoker). For example, when I am done brushing my teeth. Ok so its gross but I got into the habit of smoking right after I brushed my teeth, now I am lost after I brush my teeth. I am a little OCD when it comes to routine. When something in my routine gets messed up it drives me batty! (I am sure if my mom is reading this she is laughing a little:) Needless to say, I have to find a new routine because smoking cigarettes apparently was a big part of my routine. Cigarettes are truely my one regret. I wish I would have never started so I didn't have to try and quit.
Well life is moving forward. Have a busy 9 months ahead but we are ready! We are praying that the 3rd time is in fact the charm:)

Worried

There is nothing worse than getting a phone call from the doctor when you are not expecting to hear from her. She called me yesterday because one of the swabs she took when I went to see her came back "negative". I have some sort of infection (as usual) that has been associated with pre-term labor and a poor cervix. I guess more than anything she really seemed frantic. That made me really nervous. So, anyways she sent in a perscription for some antibiotics. I went to go and pick them up and they said because I don't have insurance it was going to cost $93!!!! I don't know about anyone else but I don't EVER just have $93 extra dollars to spend on ANYTHING! Talk about an emotional breakdown! So not only am I freakin out because of the initial phone call I am freakin out because I had no way to pick up the 7 frickin pills that I really need. I had to borrow money from my room mate which I hate doing. Luckily when I went back, the very nice gentleman at the pharmacy said he found a program that gave me a discount so I only ended up paying $55. Way better than 93 but still pretty spendy. Ugg. I keep trying not to over think the situation but it is really hard. I don't want to have complications. I want it to be normal like everyone else. I know that isn't the case. I know that there are people that have experienced or that will experience what I have but sometimes I do feel alone. And I feel like I have to hold it together for everyone else's sake. 
Well I have a couple days off so I am going to hang out at home and get lots of rest and try really hard not to think about it. Oh and the antibiotics that she gave me, the first thing it says under side effects is nausea and vomiting so......yay me! NOT! It's kindof funny, I have pills to stop the nausea and then I have pills that cause the nausea. Should be an interesting weekend.

Things that make you go hmmmm.........

I was reading facebook today and I saw a little blurb that said "pray for the baby that was found in the bin and ants were eating it." I have a really hard time with this. I WANT a baby SO bad that to see someone be so neglectful and careless makes me SUPER angry. There are plenty of programs out there, there are plenty of PEOPLE like me that would take that baby and love it and give it a good life. I mean at least someone found the poor thing before it was dead but still, not exactly the best way to come into the world. Is it lack of education on these programs or what? I see things on TV and all over for these things. Why wouldn't someone just take their baby to the hospital and then split? put it in a basket on someones doorstep, that is better than in the trash!  I don't know. It just really gets to me. I know so many people that would give anything for a child and then you read things like this. Anyways, that was my upset for the day. I cried and everything about it. I guess maybe I don't understand this part of the "plan" you know?
On a brighter note, I haven't thrown up for over 24 hours now! YAY me! The medicine that the doctor gave me has helped that a lot. I still don't feel the greatest and I am still extremely tired but I will take that over hugging a toilet any day (that is why I never liked drinking much, not really a big fan of throwing up:) Tonight at work, saltines and soda is what saved me. One of the Valet guys that I work with said when he was younger and got sick he swore by pepsi and saltines so I decided to try it (I was willing to try just about anything) Much to my suprise it has settled my stomach all night! I was having problems with crackers before because they were too dry but with the soda and carbonation, it fixes that problem.
On a brighter note than the first one but not so much brighter than the second. I am still smoking:( I did really good for a day or two and then today (before work) I kindof  "fell off the wagon." My brother Daniel is in Australia on a Mission. When I wrote him and told him my news I brought up the whole smoking thing. He sent me some good advice that I will share with you all.  "I've never had to do it, but I've gained a bit of insight in trying to help people quit here in Australia. The amazing thing is that it can be done. Especially with the Lord's help. If you slip back into it don't give up. Don't be too hard on yourself either. Only be hard enough on yourself to do better next time. I have full confidence that you can do anything you set your mind to. Just imagine the relief that will come in so many aspects. Financial relief, physical relief, spiritual relief, and so on." He is my younger brother but already so much wiser than I. He is absolutely right about the relief. Cigarettes ARE a burden on me. They are expensive, they smell bad, they create health problems, and so much more. I appreciate that he has faith in me. And I really like the part where he said "only be hard enough on yourself to do better next time." That is something that seems so simple but its amazing how big a difference it made in my own head. People always tell me not to be too hard on myself, but that is how I have justified my actions. I say "I can't stress myself about this so I am just going to do it." Well this time that isn't the case. So, this time around I will make it 3 days instead of 2 because I know I can:) Thanks Daniel your my hero!
One more thing that I really just can't help but comment on. It really has nothing to do with my pregnancy other than it has to do with my family and the way I was raised. Mormons are a cult? Really people? We are not Christians? Really? That whole thing is really irritating. I may not go to church, or live my life like I should being who I am and how I was raised but I will admit that this situation kind of hurt my feelings too. It makes me sad that people are so ignorant. You really just shouldn't say anything if you don't know what your talking about. Cult or not I am proud to be a part of the LDS church and I believe in Jesus Christ and I believe that is all I need to be considered a Christian. Besides when it comes to an election who really cares about the religion. People blind themselves to the more important things because they can't move past that? That is stupid. When people run for office they don't do it to preach or push their religion on anyone so why is it even coming up? There are plenty of people out there that have the same standards and morals and are not mormon. If they were running no one would question it just because they are not mormon? Come on people!!! Lets get it together really!
Ok that is all my ranting for the day. Sorry to go all religious on your asses but I couldn't help it:) Have a fabulous day!

I Miss Food:(

So the last few days have been spent trying desperately not to throw up. I have been doing ok. I did throw up once but that has been it so far. Just a constant feeling of ickyness:( When I went to my doctor she said that being tired and sick is very healthy and normal for pregnancy. I just hope I am not one who is sick the entire pregnancy. I miss food:( I miss being able to eat all the yummy goodness.....Wow just typing those words made me a little sick. I am telling you, its bad! On top of that I have the winter sniffles. Hopefully it is not going to turn into like the flu or anything.
I did finally let everyone I work with know. The feedback was very positive! A HUGE difference from the last time. We have worked out a plan and a schedule that I think will work for the time being. It is nice that they have the staff to cover if I really need it. I can't really afford to take time off, BUT, its nice to know that I can without repercussion. I think it also helps that there is a houskeeper that is pregnant right now as well and we have both been experiencing morning sickness. It is nice to have someone who can relate to what your going through in the moment. I know a lot of you have been through pregnancies but having someone to sort of go through it with you is nice. If that makes any sense. I feel like I have more people on my side this time, instead of against me.
Today was my 1 year anniversary. We spent the day playing video games and watching movies. We were going to go to dinner but with the whole food hating me right now, it didn't really make sense to go out to eat. My birthday last week was kindof the same. I just hope that I am not sick through all the fun holidays this year. It would probably kill me if I wasn't able to eat Thanksgiving dinner:( And all the yummy baked goods through the season! It would be truely devistating!
Another thing that I have noticed lately are smells. I swear I can smell EVERYTHING! This does not go over well with the sick thing. One wif of something horrible and its all down hill from there. Thanks to a great friend of mine (lisa) I have a sentsy warmer and some really good scents! I have that thing on pretty much all day long. It at least drowns out all the other interesting smells my nose seems to pick up!
Well that is all I have to add today. I have another ultrasound the end of this week and then another doctor appointment on the 19th. We should be able to hear a heartbeat! Very exciting! Thanks for reading!

SOOOO SICK!!!!

This will be brief. I am so incredibly sick again! I thought for sure I was going to have it easy this time around, but it was just waiting. It hit me pretty hard yesterday morning after work. It is weird how morning sickness literally comes out of no where. I can be sitting here feeling almost normal and all the sudden I want to puke in your face! (I will attemt not to actually do that to anyone but in the event that that does actually happen, sorry) Anyways, its my friday and I plan to do nothing for the weekend! Maybe some well needed rest will help me feel better!
Thanks everyone for your comments and support. As far as the e-cigarettes, I am more concerned with the risk it may have on the baby. I decided not to try it yet because my doctor had not even heard of them. I want to make sure it isn't going to be just as damaging as cigarettes. (not that I can smoke anything right now because again the whole puking in peoples face:)
I hope you all have a splendid day!

So Far So Good!

Well things are looking good. I had an ultrasound today. I am only 5 weeks pregnant (because according to the ultrasound tech I apparently didn't ovulate when the world told me to;)so you couldn't really see anything. I did get a picture of a gestational sack and a yolk so I definately have the starts of a little one inside. My hormones are increasing rapidly (like they are suppose to) I went from being at 760 to over 1900 in less than 48 hours. Once again, it is no wonder women get so crazy when they are pregnant! My first doctors appointment was moved to tomorrow October 4th. She decided she wanted to get some cultures to make sure everything is starting out ok. I am kindof lucky I think. Most women don't even get in to see a doctor until they are about 8 weeks. They also don't get to do an ultrasound this early. I am glad I got to do both early however it does put a false sense on how far along I really am (at least in my own brain).
I have been having a little bit of morning sickness. It is honestly nothing like the last time. I think I have a better idea of how to manage it this time, which I am truley grateful for. It is just hard to find something that sounds good. NOTHING sounds good. Not even my most favorite foods. I love food but right now we are fighting:) I have to force myself to eat otherwise I just get sicker and sicker. Forcing yourself to eat when you don't want to really sucks! About as bad as being super hungry and not having any food to eat!
My task to quit smoking is on the right track. Since I found out I was pregnant, I have not smoked at work not once! That may not sound like a very big step but for those of you who know me or smoke for that matter should know how big that is! I am finally to a point where I don't even think about it at work. The next step is to stop smoking in the car. I was thinking that if I kept eliminating the times that I smoke the most then I can eventually just quit. I really want to go into my doctors appointment on the 19th of October and tell her I have quit! It would be such a huge thing for me! Has anyone ever tried those electronic cigarettes? I was just curious as to how well they worked. I was thinking that maybe that could help me quit too, but I don't want to spend that much money on it until I do some real research. The last thing I need is something that is going to be just as addictive as a regular cigarette. 
So quick recap: I am stuborn because I didn't ovulate when the world said to, I am hungry because I can't eat anything, I am crazy because my hormones are through the roof, I am lucky because I get to do things no one else gets to, and last but not least I am soooooo HAPPY because I am pregnant and the third time is a charm! Have a wonderful day everyone! Thanks for reading! Come again!

A good Doctor is KEY!

I LOVE my doctor! She is absolutely amazing! She has been in touch with me throughout the last year even when I was not pregnant. She always calls whenever she sees that I have been in to the emergency room or just anything. She puts my mind at ease because she is really on top of everything. You know how some doctors will come in and read everything about you off a chart, well my doctor did her research before I ever had an appointment. She came in the room (last time I was pregnant) and already knew about my medical history without looking at a chart or anything for that matter. I was really impressed. I am glad she is going to be my doctor again! When she called me yesterday she was so excited it was like she was having the kid lol! She is ready to go with a plan in place!
First part of the plan is to constantly check my hormone levels to make sure they are going up. I went in on 9/27/11 and my hormone level was at 760. According to a chart with the hormone levels I am about 5 weeks pregnant. They say that when your pregnant your hormones should double about every 48 hours. I will go in tomorrow 9/29/11 to have more blood drawn to make sure we are headed in the right direction. No wonder women are crazy when they are prego. Those are some major hormone levels especially considering when your not prego they are at like 5;)
The next step (sort of) is a lot of ultrasounds (which is going to cost me an arm and a leg). She moved my first one up to the beginning of next week. She said it is still too early to really see a baby but we should be able to see a utarin wall. She is basically going to double check that everthing on the inside is functioning properly.
I have a feeling I am going to be going to the doctor a lot this time around. The way she made it sound is my appointments are going to be set up as if I were already in my third trimester. So for those of you who have been pregnant know that means going to the doctor all the time! (again going to cost an arm and a leg, don't have any of those left so hopefully no one else wants money from me;)
There are a few goals I have with this pregnancy. I decided I would try and focus on one at a time to try and eliminate any extra stress. So I have officially set my first goal: Quit Smoking Cigarettes.
This is going to be a really hard one for me, that is why I decided to start with it. I have smoked for several years and have been unsuccessful in the past trying to quit. Even though the doctors (both times I was pregnant) said that that was not the cause of miscarriage, I don't want to take any chances. No one has been able to really tell me why I miscarried, and both times were different enough that they cannot pin point one thing. I spent a lot of time afterwards thinking of all the things that I did wrong or all the unhealthy choices I made to try and find something to blame it on. Needless to say I didn't get very far. So, I decided that out of all the unhealthy choices I made this was probably the worst. I need all the support I can get for this. I have started by not taking any cigarettes to work with me. That means at least 10 hours a day with no cigarettes. I also keep telling myself that its for the baby. (that doesn't always work but most of the time) I will apologize ahead of time for my bad attitude that goes along with not smoking (they say it passes but apparently I have never quit long enough to get to that point!) If for some reason I offend you or are rude, PLEASE don't take it personally. Just remember my hormones are out of control and I am not smoking and then please forgive me!
I am glad I started this blog. It has already helped me. It also helps to keep everyone up to date. Thanks for reading!

So it begins......again.

So I found out that I am pregnant again yesterday (9/25/2011). Here is a little bit of history to catch you all up. In 2008 my husband and I got pregnant for the first time. Everything was going really well until about the 16th week. At 16 weeks my water broke. Unfortunately my body had developed an infection and we were not able to save the baby. Sometimes when your water breaks that early in a pregnancy it can be replenished (the amniotic fluid) and you can continue with the pregnancy, however in my case, because of the infection we were not able to wait and see if that was a possibility. This was a pretty devistating time for both my husband and I. Its hard to understand why.
Then, we got pregnant again in 2010. It was a similar situation. When I was about 17 weeks, the baby dropped. They put me in the hospital "upside down" to try and get the baby to go back up. Again, my body developed an infection. Womens bodies become more prone to infection in this situation so my doctor warned me that this was a possibility. At that point the only choice we had was to terminate the pregnancy. This time around was a lot harder than the first time. We both went through some major depressions. I still have a hard time with it.
Now I am pregnant for the 3rd time. I decided to start a blog just to get some of my feelings out on paper. Not to mention its a lot easier to send people to a blog to see your updates then have to tell everyone personally.
My husband and I are extremely excited to give this another shot! However, I cannot stop feeling a little scared. It is really hard to keep a positive attitude after having been through what we have. I can't imagine going through it all again.
We do have a couple of things going for us. One is the BEST doctor we could ask for! My doctor has set up a plan for us that will hopefully help us be successful this time around. The "plan" involves a lot of doctors visits, ultrasounds, and tests. I plan to blog after each appointment with updates on what is happening. (and more technical names for everything.) The second is our families. They are amazing and have been so supportive through all the rough patches. I don't think we would have made it without them! We love you guys!
My first ultrasound will be on October 17th and my first doctors appointment will be October 19th. So stay tuned for updates! Welcome to my blog, thanks for reading!