Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Excited and Nervous

Well I am starting to feel a little better. (from the cold not the morning sickness) It is the worst to be sick and pregnant at the same time. Its like double time sick. blah! I spent most of my weekend in bed resting. I was really feeling better until I got to work tonight. Then I spent the first 3 hours throwing up:( I haven't thrown up for days and it just came out of nowhere. I am over it! I am afraid that it has to do with the shift that I work. I have been working graveyard for several years now, you would think that my body would get use to it. I think it would be if I wasn't trying to grow a baby! I don't know how to get around this obsticle. I think for me and the baby it would be best to try for a different shift but I don't know that that is even possible here and Willy and I cannot afford for me not to work right now. The ultimate question is, If we do nothing and something goes wrong, will it be worth it? Probably not, but if I stop working and we struggle through the next few months and nothing goes wrong, will it be worth the stress and struggle? I guess if a baby is a result it would be worth it. I don't know. I don't like stressing about bills and money. We have done it and survived before but it doesn't make it any fun. Now would be the ideal time to win the lottery:) We will see what happens. For now I will just keep working.....throwing up...........and working.
I have been doing really well with the not smoking thing. I made it my 24 + hours from the last blog entry. I have had 2 slip ups since the 8th when I started. Both were just a couple drags of a cigarette, not even a whole cigarette! It has been a challenge for sure but I think I may have it locked down! Now I just gotta get Willy to quit too and we will be a smoke free household:)
My surgery is coming up on the 28th. I am a little nervous. It doesn't help that I keep having these horrible dreams about the outcome. You know when they put you under and then you are recovering? There is a few minutes where you can talk but you don't realize you are. For example, the last surgery I had, when I finally came to, the nurse was in the process of explaining to me that I had already told that story 20 times. lol, (it was obviously a good story) So in my dreams, I attack the nurse while I am in that state because she killed my baby! Horrible right! Not only the thought of attacking someone but the possibility that it could kill the baby. Not likely but you never know. The other dream that I keep having about it is, them not being able to finish because I was stubborn and decided to eat something before the surgery and then while I am under I start throwing up violently, so they have to stop. Ok I might be stubborn but ladies and gentleman I vow that I will definately NOT eat anything before the surgery. After a dream like that I wouldnt even think about food! I trust my doctor and I think that this is the best route for us but dreams like that definately make it hard to stay positive.
So my sister Christine is pregnant too:) She is due around the same time as me! I am excited that my baby will have a cousin close in age. I remember when I was younger and we had family get togethers, all of us kids always had such a good time with our cousins! Now we can do the same for our kids:)
I recently started a new job at the Oxford Hotel Bend. I was really excited to get this job. I wanted to use it as a stepping stone in a career move. This pregnancy has taken away from that a little bit. First of all, I don't think about much else. I am constantly thinking about babies and what life will be like with one. It is hard to come to work and focus on just work. I am trying. The second issue is of course the being sick. When you are sick at work you really don't do work. You manage to get done the bare minimum to get through the day. I don't think this reflects my work ethic very well. It honestly bothers me that I am not "excelling". When I work I want to be the best at what I do and I work really hard to do that. I can't seem to pull it together enough right now to make that happen. The last thing that I have come across is this, my boss (the general manager) works ALL the time! That was my ultimate goal, was to become a gm somewhere and sort of have my own hotel. In this business the GM gets stuck doing a lot of extra's. I don't want work to be my life. I want my family to be my life. I don't want to be in a position where I am obligated to leave my family at the drop of a dime to go to work. I know this works for some but I just don't think I am one of them. I don't want to not work at all but I don't want that kind of pressure while we are raising kids. Anyways, I love this job and the people I work for and with but I don't think this is my calling. hmm, I guess we will see.
There are a lot of things coming up that we just have to "wait and see" If you know me, you know this is a hard one for me to be ok with. I want answers and I want them now not later. I want to see the future:) Not exactly the whole future just the specific things I have questions about. Like is the third time really the charm?

3 comments:

  1. I have super crazy dreams when I'm pregnant too- I hope your morning sickness goes away really soon!

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  2. Once I had my first child, I never wanted to work or share him with anyone. Now look at me. Oh how times change. I miss being home with the kids. Truly, I hope the morning sickness subsides.

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  3. almost everyone I have ever liked at all dies violently in my pregnant dreams. I don't even really like action or horror movies (well ok I like history that can be violent) being sick is really hard I was in school during 2 and leaving class to pass out/puke is really annoying. not to mention disruptive. as long as you are doing the job no one will notice we have all worked with lazy bums. and kids are way better than working even at a cool job. and even when those kids are monsters.

    having Willy still smoking is making it harder for you he should quit too. just my opinion. you must have serious willpower to quit when surrounded by it. keep it up!

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