HOLY CRAP BATMAN!!!!

WOW!!! So I have made it to 23 weeks! This is very exciting for us! We have entered into the unknown:) Everything that we are dealing with now, we have never had to in the past. It is a learning experience. I am definately starting to look pregnant (without being able to hide it). Not even my T-shirts hide it anymore. I can feel the baby move..........ALL THE TIME! He is a crazy man in there. Willy was able to feel him for the first time yesterday which was fun. My mom and sister Emily got to come with me this last week to see the ultrasound. It was amazing! It is really weird to see how much bigger he already is than he was at 17 weeks. Also, good news is that my cervix is still ok. It hasn't gotten any smaller so that is a great sign. The baby is growing the way he is suppose to and all his organs seem to be developing in a timely matter. At the last doctors appointment they gave me all the hospital paperwork (pre-registration) as well as info on birthing classes. Again two things we have not had to do in the past. I am excited about the birthing class. Mostly to meet some people who are getting ready to have kids too. I did meet a few at a nutrition class I went to last week and it was really fun. It is nice to talk to people who may be experiencing some of the same things. I was also blessed with a wonderful baby shower this last week. Yes it was a little early but we did it so my mom and sisters could be here too. I got a lot of great things for the new baby! I am a lucky girl to have the family and friends that I do. The only problem is now I just want to go shop for the baby and I don't really have the money to do that. I decided to start my own baby shopping fund:) I figure if I save $5 here and there in a few months I will have a little bit to go and spend! My other problem is that I am a sucker for baby clothes. We still need some other stuff before I can just buy him clothes. I should probably make a list and cross things off as I go. It is exciting to plan all of this! Gosh I just feel so blessed and happy about this pregnancy! I am thankful for everything!

Still Pregnant

Well we are approaching the half way mark:) This makes me incredibly excited! I will be completely honest I didn't think I was gonna make it this far. We did have a bit of a scare the other night but it turned out to be not such a big deal. I was having what I thought were contractions. We figured we would go in and get checked out just to be safe. When they did the ultrasound, they found that my cervix has gotten shorter but still not to a dangerous length. In other words, if I wasn't a high risk pregnancy they wouldn't suspect anything was wrong. They also saw that the cervix had beaked. I am not sure that is how you spell it but it means that the cervix has opened. This is what happens before you start to dilate. For me, it has not opened up to the cerclage yet so we are still ok but we definately have to keep an eye on it. They kept me overnight just to make sure we were not actually going into labor and then let me come home. I am going in for a follow up today, but she said that she was thinking bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy. I really don't do well with just laying around all the time. I can't help but get up and do something. It might not be very much but its something. When I was in the hospital, I was going absolutely crazy! I have been writing down some ideas for projects just in case she does say bed rest but I am still a little worried. I will figure it out I am sure.

Going back to the fact that we have nearly made it to 20 weeks! Yay! I am definately starting to look pregnant and not be able to hide it. After a certain point it is impossible to suck it in:) Because my uterus is getting so much bigger it causes some back pain. If I can give any advice to someone who is planning on getting pregnant, it would be to work those core muscles! Abs and back. It will help tremendously I promise. It gets pretty painful at times. I was thinking about taking a picture of how big I was getting but then I felt a little weird. I don't know why. I see people do it all the time. For some reason I just thought it was weird. Maybe in a month or so.

I really want to write more but there are too many other things going on at my house right this minute so I will have to continue later. I will update after my appointment today:)

17 weeks! YIKES!!

So it has been a little while since I have updated my blog. The truth is right now I am freakin out! Maybe not really but kindof. This is around the time that we have miscarried both times. First time was around 16 weeks and second time was 17 weeks. So far I am still pregnant. My doctor has taken me off work but I might be able to go back after my next appointment. So far everything looks really good. The baby is growing like he is suppose to and moving around like crazy! I haven't felt him yet but when we watch him on the ultrasounds he is doing flips and kicking and waving his little hands everywhere:) It is fun to watch. I kindof wish I had an ultrasound machine at home so I could just watch him! My cervix has gotten a little bit shorter but they said it isn't at a dangerous length yet. We sort of expected my cervix to get shorter just because that is what has happened in the past but this time we were prepared with a cerclage. As long as we don't shrink so much that it gets to that stitch we should be ok. My doctor is awesome and is keeping a great eye on me. I have everyone at the doctors office rooting for us it is kindof fun:)  I have battled some serious colds this year which hasn't made being pregnant any easier. I didn't know that one person could produce so much snot!
Something that I have been thinkin about lately is the fact that I don't really know how to be pregnant after 17 weeks. I feel like these first 17 weeks I am a pro at it. Ok so not really a pro but I at least know what to expect. All the symptoms that I have experienced I was expecting to happen. Like any new mother to be, every time I get pregnant I pull out the baby books. I have read the first few chapters of each of them like a million times but I don't really know what happens next. So obviously I am going to get bigger but that is about all I know. I am a little nervous about this but at the same time really excited to move on to something new! It will be nice to move on to the next chapter of my baby books! Thanks for reading! See you all next time!

Try not to Stress

It is always interesting how life throws these weird curve balls at you at the most inconvenient times. When I went to my follow up appointment after the surgery there were a couple of problems. The surgery itself was fine but I had lost more weight. I really don't know how this is even possible. I feel like I am always eating. She is concerned though. She started to ask me questions about work and is now wanting me to either move to day shift or stop working. She thinks, and I agree with her, that working graveyard is starting to take too much of a toll on me. I have been doing it for several years now and so it seems like I should be use to it and it should be more natural. Unfortunately, since I became pregnant it gets harder and harder. No matter how much sleep I get during the day I am dozing off at night. Forcing myself to stay awake when my body is saying its tired is too much stress. So now we are faced with an interesting problem. I can go to my bosses, which I plan to do, and ask to be moved to day shift. I know this isn't possible. I know this because of 2 things. 1. Everyone at this point is fighting for hours because we are in our slow season. and 2. I am the newest hire so I don't stand any ground taking someone elses hours. Not to mention that I was hired for graveyard specifically. So that leaves me with not working. I am scared not to work. That is the easiest way to explain it. I don't like not being able to pay my bills or put gas in my car or buy groceries. That stresses me out. I know we will be fine. Willy and I have survived some pretty crappy situations together so I know we can make it but it is still scary. What happens when he gets sick and neither one of us can work? Then how do we pay the bills? I took this week off to try and decide what I was going to do. I still haven't come to a complete decision but here is part of my thought process. Every parent struggles for their kids. I know my parents did. I know they worked harder for us than anything else. They did everything in their power to make sure we were healthy and fed and taken care of. I know I am not holding a baby in my arms yet but I still believe this baby deserves that from us. If I have to stop working and we have to struggle for a little while to make sure that this baby is healthy and taken care of then that is probably what I should do. I mean when this happens for us we have years of struggle ahead right? Isn't that how most parents feel? Not matter how much money they have? But I don't know many parents who would say it wasn't worth it. So my other argument to that is, they say pregnant women lack rational thought. Is this really a valid thought or am I just sounding crazy. I am sure there are a lot of people who would think because of where Willy and I are in our lives we should not even be considering having kids. We are no where near being financially stable. We don't own a house. Our truck is great but not exactly in the best shape. Not reliable enough to leave town, not to mention not really a family vehicle. Some people might even call us irresponsible for trying to have kids. So that is how I convince myself that I should just buck it up and continue working and just get over myself. What really sucks about all of this is that my doctor left it up to me. What she said was "I would love to take you off work for the rest of your pregnancy, but I am going to leave it up to you."  So I am open to any advise or suggestions anyone may have about this. I want honesty even if it may be harsh. Thanks for reading my rambling:) Love to all!

I wanna know..........

Well this has definately been a crazy week. I had to have surgery on Monday. I had a cerclage done. That is where they stitch your cervix to try and prevent early pregnancy. It is/was weird. I was awake through the entire procedure, which is an experience in and of itself. They gave me what they call a spinal. It is done the same way as an epidural. They inject medicine into your back to numb you from the waist down. This is apparently a common way for women to tolerate the pain of labor. It is horrible! I didn't like it when I had an epidural during the first miscarriage and I definately didn't like it this time. I don't like not being able to feel my legs. I guess it was better than being able to feel them stitch.  The doctor that performed the surgery told us before it started that about 1 in 100 women will suffer from so much pain that they have to stay in the hospital. My surgery started at 12:30 pm. We didn't go home until almost 8:30 pm and they had set up a room for me to stay. I always have to be that 1 in 100. When the medicine wore off it was seriously the worst, most uncomfortable pain. It hurt so bad it made me sick. So they wouldn't let me leave until 1, I could walk again, and 2, that I could go to the bathroom and 3, I stopped throwing up. All of those tasks were hard enough as it was not to mention the horrible pain. I did finally get it together enough to go home. Once I was home the recovery time was quick. By the next morning I was at least up and moving around like normal. It was still a little painful, and believe me, hard to get use to. Now everything is going well. The only time I can feel it or can tell that its even there is if I wait too long to pee and then the pressure causes a little bit of pain. (I try not to do that) The biggest downfall so far is....NO SEX!!! Probably something you all didn't need to know but its my blog:) That is 6 months people!!!! I keep telling myself that it will be worth it when we have the little baby! I have a follow up on Monday to make sure everything is still ok and that we have not developed any infections or anything like that. I am hoping (again) that we will find out if its a boy or girl. We are both pretty anxious to know. I don't have much more to report now. I am still excited and still really nervous. We are coming up on the witching hour, and I am trying to stay as positive as possible. Sometimes it is hard to be positive and realistic at the same time. During our second pregnancy, I kept telling myself that that won't happen again and put it out of my mind. This time I have to remind myself that it is a possibility without making it seem like I am being negative. It is harder to deal with the heartache if you are not prepared for it. I hope my babling isn't too confusing. Anyways, I hope you all have a great week and I will shoot out an update on Monday after my appointment. Thanks for reading:)

Happy Thanksgiving!

It is the best time of the year! I love the holidays! Today (technically tomorrow still for me) is Thanksgiving and believe me I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Just to name a few: I am thankful for my family, my friends, my job, and my home. I am thankful for my awesome husband who is there with me through everything, good and bad. I am thankful for the oppertunity to try and have another baby as well. There is a lot more but that covers most of it. I am glad that we have a holiday to sort of reflect on those things that we are truley thankful for.
We had a doctors appointment today. She called me a few days ago and bumped my appointment up a few days because they found another infection:( bummer! At least I got started on the antibiotic and hopefully that will clear it up. I also have to start back on my antiviral medication for my hand. My arm has been giving me trouble for a couple of days and because that is usually how it starts she said we should get rid of it before it gets worse. Luckily the medication is safe to take while you are pregnant so I already have a prescription ready to go. On the up side, the baby is so healthy and growing and moving! It is so amazing to watch:) When we had the ultrasound (yea the one that was suppose to tell us boy or girl) the little one was moving soooo much! I have never seen that before in an ultrasound which I thought was weird because I have had so many. Most of the time the baby was sleeping so not a lot of movement. Not this time he/she couldn't hold still:) It is weird how, when they are still this small you can't feel it but when you see how much they are moving its hard to believe that you wouldn't be able to feel it. Another amazing thing is how much bigger the baby is than the last ultrasound. It has only been a week or two and the baby looks double its size! You can see facial features and make out the arms and legs!
I did get to tell my doctor today about my progress on smoking which made me feel good:) She was very happy to hear that I have done so well. So to fill all of you in, I started REALLY trying to quit on the 8th of this month. Since then I have smoked a couple of times. They were just a couple of drags and it was probably every 3 to 4 days that I would break down. Right now I have been 100% smoke free since the 17th of November! That is an entire 7 days people! For me this is amazing. I really didn't think I could do it. I plan to stick with it. My doctor said something funny to me, she said that she quit smoking by promising herself that she would smoke again when she was 80 years old:) She said at that point if you don't die of smoking it will be of old age or something else anyways. I guess whatever works for people. Another friend of mine always use to say "don't say you are quitting, just say that you are stopping for a couple of years" It is kindof soothing to think that I could smoke again someday. I know for some of you that may sound silly but it works! That doesn't mean that I will pick it back up but if it can help me through this moment in time I will use it.
Another positive note from my appointment is I gained a pound. YAY! hehe its nice to be able to say that and not feel bad that I am gaining weight. This just means that my tummy is finally starting to function normally again. Now I just have to be careful to not gain too much weight. I really want to do some water aerobics but I don't want to do it by myself. I don't know anyone else who is prego that could go with me. I do, however have a class through WIC next month where I might just meet someone who is prego and maybe someone who would want to do that as well. My dad always told me that swimming was one of the best excercises:) I always believed him just never really acted on it. Now because of being high risk and not really being able to workout, swimming is my best option. It would help me stay active without putting too much strain on me or the baby. If anyone knows anyone that wants to do this with me, let me know. There are a couple places in town that offer prenatal water aerobics. The last time I was pregnant in the middle of the summer I bought a maternity swim suit too. I got it at a great price from ebay. It actually came with 2 swimsuites so I have an extra if someone needs one.
I went into the maternity store the other day to try and find one of those belly belts. You know the band that you use to hold your pants up without buttoning them? Yea so I bought one because I can't button up my work pants anymore. The problem is that it doesn't really hold my pants up. I guess it does better than without anything but I am still constantly pulling up my pants and readjusting the band. Maybe its because my belly is not really that big. It might work better once I am a little farther along I guess. We will see. I hope so considering I spent almost $20 on it. I did see a lot of cute clothes in there. It could be really dangerous for me to spend too much time in there. It would be silly to have cuter maternity clothes than regular clothes but even more silly to buy regular clothes at this point. I believe I have enough sweatshirts and T-shirts to get through but I really think I am going to have to break down and buy maternity pants. Although those sweaters they had were SOOOOO cute!
Ok I think I have blabbed quite enough for today:) I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! In the words of Adam Sandler: "Turkey lurky doo and turkey lurky dot, I eat that turkey and I take a nap!" Love you all!

Excited and Nervous

Well I am starting to feel a little better. (from the cold not the morning sickness) It is the worst to be sick and pregnant at the same time. Its like double time sick. blah! I spent most of my weekend in bed resting. I was really feeling better until I got to work tonight. Then I spent the first 3 hours throwing up:( I haven't thrown up for days and it just came out of nowhere. I am over it! I am afraid that it has to do with the shift that I work. I have been working graveyard for several years now, you would think that my body would get use to it. I think it would be if I wasn't trying to grow a baby! I don't know how to get around this obsticle. I think for me and the baby it would be best to try for a different shift but I don't know that that is even possible here and Willy and I cannot afford for me not to work right now. The ultimate question is, If we do nothing and something goes wrong, will it be worth it? Probably not, but if I stop working and we struggle through the next few months and nothing goes wrong, will it be worth the stress and struggle? I guess if a baby is a result it would be worth it. I don't know. I don't like stressing about bills and money. We have done it and survived before but it doesn't make it any fun. Now would be the ideal time to win the lottery:) We will see what happens. For now I will just keep working.....throwing up...........and working.
I have been doing really well with the not smoking thing. I made it my 24 + hours from the last blog entry. I have had 2 slip ups since the 8th when I started. Both were just a couple drags of a cigarette, not even a whole cigarette! It has been a challenge for sure but I think I may have it locked down! Now I just gotta get Willy to quit too and we will be a smoke free household:)
My surgery is coming up on the 28th. I am a little nervous. It doesn't help that I keep having these horrible dreams about the outcome. You know when they put you under and then you are recovering? There is a few minutes where you can talk but you don't realize you are. For example, the last surgery I had, when I finally came to, the nurse was in the process of explaining to me that I had already told that story 20 times. lol, (it was obviously a good story) So in my dreams, I attack the nurse while I am in that state because she killed my baby! Horrible right! Not only the thought of attacking someone but the possibility that it could kill the baby. Not likely but you never know. The other dream that I keep having about it is, them not being able to finish because I was stubborn and decided to eat something before the surgery and then while I am under I start throwing up violently, so they have to stop. Ok I might be stubborn but ladies and gentleman I vow that I will definately NOT eat anything before the surgery. After a dream like that I wouldnt even think about food! I trust my doctor and I think that this is the best route for us but dreams like that definately make it hard to stay positive.
So my sister Christine is pregnant too:) She is due around the same time as me! I am excited that my baby will have a cousin close in age. I remember when I was younger and we had family get togethers, all of us kids always had such a good time with our cousins! Now we can do the same for our kids:)
I recently started a new job at the Oxford Hotel Bend. I was really excited to get this job. I wanted to use it as a stepping stone in a career move. This pregnancy has taken away from that a little bit. First of all, I don't think about much else. I am constantly thinking about babies and what life will be like with one. It is hard to come to work and focus on just work. I am trying. The second issue is of course the being sick. When you are sick at work you really don't do work. You manage to get done the bare minimum to get through the day. I don't think this reflects my work ethic very well. It honestly bothers me that I am not "excelling". When I work I want to be the best at what I do and I work really hard to do that. I can't seem to pull it together enough right now to make that happen. The last thing that I have come across is this, my boss (the general manager) works ALL the time! That was my ultimate goal, was to become a gm somewhere and sort of have my own hotel. In this business the GM gets stuck doing a lot of extra's. I don't want work to be my life. I want my family to be my life. I don't want to be in a position where I am obligated to leave my family at the drop of a dime to go to work. I know this works for some but I just don't think I am one of them. I don't want to not work at all but I don't want that kind of pressure while we are raising kids. Anyways, I love this job and the people I work for and with but I don't think this is my calling. hmm, I guess we will see.
There are a lot of things coming up that we just have to "wait and see" If you know me, you know this is a hard one for me to be ok with. I want answers and I want them now not later. I want to see the future:) Not exactly the whole future just the specific things I have questions about. Like is the third time really the charm?